Processing Being an Ex-Bride

30 minutes before these photos were taken, I was crying in a bathroom. As I stood in the mirror, tears welling in my eyes, it started to hit me that I'd not been in anything white and formal since I got married in 2015. Of all of the things I've processed since separation, I'd never consciously thought about the power of wearing white as a divorcee. 

Something about adding the baby breaths into my hair, stem by stem, made me morph into a bridal mindset. I had flashbacks of curling my hair in the mirror the morning of our nuptial celebrations. I thought about how zen (and simultaneously terrified) I was. How ready I was to just move into the next chapter of my life. Then an overwhelming feeling rushed over me...

What if I never have this feeling again?

While I have not actively avoided white, I think subconsciously my mind knew to skip over it because it knew we'd end up here. In a place of remorse and heavy burden, laden with fear and anxiety. What if I truly never get to be in a happy bridal moment again? What if I never know what it is to feel a deep enough connection to want to commit to someone in this way...ever?

I wasn't crying because I'm divorced. I'm more sad about the lack of human connection. 

So here I am, taking my power back. When Eloquii reached out to me for this project, I hesitated. For two years, I've hesitated. I don't write about weddings anymore, I don't post about happy couples really. In a world full of #relationshipgoals and #meandsomebodyson, I try not to engage. And I'm done with that. There's hope - Lauren and Cameron on #LoveIsBlind taught me that, ha. 

So if you're looking for bridal options, Eloquii has some great unconventional ones right now. They also have a pop-up shop collaboration with Ella & Oak coming to a city near you. Very exciting news coming from a girl who had to order her dresses online and try on at home because these options weren't available five years ago. I LOVE THIS FOR US.

For those of you going through situations similar to mine, I salute you. We got this, and you can rock white whenever you want to girl.